Slapping Eve is on my bucket list...
You know PMS is bad when you daydream about going back to THEBEGINNING. You get pleasure from the thought of standing behind the Tree of Lifewith a bunch of your home girls waiting to jump Eve.
But first you want to witness the conversation between Eveand the sleazy serpent. Jumping Eve will be a walk in the park, but we’re stillscared of snakes in the beginning.
So we see the slimy sleeze bag coming from a mile a way withhis snake swag. He reminds you of a brotha appearing out of the dark nowhere in asmoky club with his smooth game, but he’s still ugly. Eve doesn’t know uglyyet, because she’s still innocent.
He approaches whispering his stank breath, “Pssst, c’mere girl lemme ax yousumpthin.” Eve twirls around coyly to meet his seductive gaze. We’re all behind thetree like, “Ewww, can’t she see he’s upto no good?”
The snake says to Eve, “Why you ain’t pickin’ nothin offthat bootiful tree rat dey.” Eve gives him the biblical spiel and he says, “WHAT!?He ain’tcho daddy. Girl go ‘head and getchu that apple. You too pretty da be eatin dem figs. Ain’t nuthin goin’happen to ya.”
My girls and I are like, “No he didn’t that sly….” I say,“Ya’ll take the snake. Eve is mine.”
I tell them to stand down until Eve puts the apple to her lips.
While we lay in wait, I think about just this one month fromPMS hell. The one where I’m 42 years old and the cramps are reminding me of howbad they were at 13, except at 13 I didn’t have the future to compare the painto.
The future pain of what it feelslike to be pregnant. Your boobs feelhuge and painful. The future pain of what it feels like to have a miscarriage.Your cramps feel like any minute now diarrhea. The future pain of any day now menses where you'll want a heating pad for yourback but you'll be too tired to find it and plug it in. The future pain that makes you daydream about going back to thebeginning.
Then before the glorious appearing, after you’ve been offyour rocker, after you’ve wanted to take a nap following your morning coffee, afteryou’ve eaten everything and survived the hair coloring aisle at Walgreen’s, yourbody goes into the weird calm. One might compare it to pregnancy nesting. Youfeel fine now. You'll snap out of crazy but everyone is still scared of you. You turn on the I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting charm. You clean, hum,grocery shop and cook without an attitude. This is the moment of truth. You’renot pregnant.
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The next morning you’ll flood the toilet with proof andyou’ll pounce into your daydream – the one where your home girls turn intohungry hyenas to devour the snake and you jump all crouching tiger hidden dragon to slap the apple from Eve’s hand whiletackling her to the ground.
Here’s the thing… it won’t solve anything and you won’t beassured that you have snapped out of crazy but for at least the next twelve or so dayseverything is going to be just fine.
~The End~
So what do you think? Shall I see someone about this? Is this irrational behavior a thing?